Journal Entry

Saw my psychologist (actually she was away on vacation, so I saw a different one) yesterday who in my opinion panicked a bit and  thought I should be hospitalized. So  and after getting my wife out of work, down to the hospital we went and after seeing alot of people, they decided I did not need to be.

I did pick up  a pointer or two while I was there, so was not a total waste of time, and my wife gave her two cents worth to the emergency psychologist (bet he got a few a pointers as well!).

I am going to get into a 6 week treatment program, which from what I hear is pretty good
 but it is like everything else in the hospital the program will likely take 6 months to a year to get into.

Anger Management

Anger management tips: 10 ways to tame your temper

Controlling your temper isn't always easy. But these effective anger management tips will help give you the upper hand.

By Mayo Clinic staff
Do you find yourself fuming when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure go through the roof when your child won't cooperate? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion, but learning how to deal with it in a positive way is important.
Uncontrolled anger can make both you and other people feel lousy. If your outbursts, rages or frustrations are negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, co-workers or even complete strangers, it's time to learn some anger management skills. Anger management techniques are a proven way to help change the way you express your anger.

10 tips to help get your anger under control

1. Take a 'timeout.' Although it may seem cliche, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.
2. Get some space. Take a break from the person you're angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.
3. Once you're calm, express your anger. It's healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.
4. Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
5. Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you're likely to say something you'll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you're angry, it's easy to get sidetracked.
6. Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.
7. Use 'I' statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful — and increase tension. For instance, say, "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework."
8. Don't hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
9. Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it's can hurt feelings and make things worse.
10. Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "Take it easy." Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.

If I had followed these rules oh so many years ago, things might have turned out a little different. But I guess it is never too late (or at least that's what they say).

Journal Entry

“No matter how dark the moment,
love and hope are always possible.”

~ George Chakiris

Anger seems to be the mood of the week (I really am ready for it to go now), so I guess I really need to work on that.
Then of course comes the fatigue, I get tired in 2 minutes after starting anything. I don't tell many people, but my wife tells me she can see it in my face. She says she can notice a significant difference from the time we leave home and the time we get in town that there is a big change in me, like it washes over me like a veil.


but the thing i am more concerned about is the angry,sometimes it feels like i can hurt myself or someone else

Journal Entry

It has been a few days since I have written anything,  I just was not up to it.
I feel better as I am getting some sleep(with the help of a sleeping pill), but hey, sleep is sleep.

We are doing our basement over, and although I am finding it hard at times because I want to go down and work but most times I have to push myself to do it. Once there I get tired real fast, but I guess the fact that I am down there doing something is the "plus" factor, because after I actually get myself down there to work I do feel better for awhile(and every little bit helps).

I did not think we needed to rip the entire basement out (all that work we had done years ago!) but after seeing the mold on the underneath walls I guess it was a good thing after all,,, just that much more to do now! It's a good thing my wife's deadline for completion is Christmas!!

Thought for the Day

“Running away
will never make you free.”

~ Kenny Loggins

Journal Entry

Journal entry: still feeling angry and anxious, sw my droctor today and we made a small change in one of my pills,other than that, not much to add, although he did seem to get that there is not much improvement.

Forgot to ask alot of questions, but that is me, I have them all in my head, then when I get there I forget them, par for the course for me I should start to write them down(if I could remember to do that too!)

One More

Today started off the same as the past few days, although as it went on it got a tiny bit better, just enough that I started to feel ever so slightly better.
I am not saying I am not angry it just seems to be there always lingering and comes alive when it feels it has to(like it has a strength of it's own and I have no control).

Men, I think have a lot more anger and do not sleep much, we also have low energy and a  need to lash out at others, at least that is how I feel. I have read that men think four times more than women about committing suicide.

Some of the pills one takes interfere with your sex life as well (just another side effect that only makes things worse) which effects both people in a relationship. This is more upsetting to a man than women (must be a macho thing I guess).

Wrong Hill on the Roller Coaster

It is with great frustration that I write today.
It sucks to be alone, useless and angry.
At least I have a spot to take out my anger on as we are renovating our basement and being able to hack away at the old wall is sort of a tension release!
I am not sure what is wrong, can not put a handle on it (but then I never usually do find any answers), the moods just seem to come, hang around for awhile, then subside, only to make the circle and start again.
Well it is very short today, just not in the mood to write today. Hopefully the tide will ebb again soon and leave me with a little peace for awhile again.

How You Can Help

Depression isn’t just a temporary mood swing or a sign of personal weakness. It’s a serious medical condition with many emotional, physical and behavioural symptoms. Many people feel ashamed or afraid to seek help.

Talking with a friend or family member about what you are going through can be a positive step towards recovery. Whether encouraging them to continue with a treatment plan, it's important to be aware of what you say and the way you say it.

Be an "active listener." Before responding

• Don't assume that someone in treatment no longer
  needs to talk. Many people get discouraged in the first few weeks, before they feel any real improvement. It's critical that you stay in close contact and urge the person to hang in there.
• Give positive feedback. Let them know when you see any improvement—even a small one.
• Try reassuring them, and encouraging them to stick with the treatment with an expression of hope that with time they will feel better.
  thoughts, try repeating back what the person has just said.

Don't worry about having the right answer. Just being
present and showing you care can go a long way.

Don't belittle the person's feelings. Attempts to say
something positive like "You don't seem that bad to me"
can actually make a depressed person feel worse.

Don't forget to say things like "I love you," "I'm here for you

depression.ca

The Mask

We all wear a mask.
When we go anywhere we pretend all is OK and smile, all the while deep down we do not want to be where we are.

People ask "how have you been?", We say "great", when in reality we really feel like saying "I am a mess". People who ask you really don't want to know about your illness if it is a non visible one (so perhaps they should stop asking that question, change the habit).
Wearing a mask all day does not do us any good, instead it is for the benefit of others.
Did you know that making "smiling masks" all day long can lead to what is called smiling syndrome?

Forcing yourself to wear this smile mask for a long period of time can lead to deeper depression and pain, (yes depression has physical pain too). And because you have used this "mask" for so long most people around you won't even know that you are using a mask.

Sometimes (more often than you know) people try to take there lives because they are so tired of using the mask, and their family and friends won't understand because they never saw through the mask.

The Good and The Bad

Not All Stress is Bad

Some stress in your life is a positive thing for healthy functioning (like skiing down a slope, riding a roller coaster). Without some positive stress in your life you can become "depressed".

Even acute stress (a very short term type of stress) is not a bad thing, like racing to meet a deadline.

Chronic Stress however not so positive (the type of stress that is never ending and inescapable) the body doesn't have a chance to activate the "relaxation response".

 Your body is continually in a constant state of “fight-or-flight” response.

It affects your body in various ways like heart disease, diabetes and or stroke.

STRESS RELIEVERS:

DISTRACTION-  playing a game on your computer, laughter, gardening, music, sports, mini-vacation.

TOOLS/RESOURCES- aromatherapy products, IPhone apps, Electronic games (Nintendo WII).

FIND BALANCE- between work, home and play- assess your lifestyle.

STRESS REDUCTION EXERCISE- exercise helps release built up tension-releases endorphins (happy hormones)- Yoga, Karate, Swimming, Walking

HEALTHY LIFESTYLE- self care, healthy diet, start your day the right way (it sets the stage for your entire day- listen to music, stretch in the shower, eat a balanced breakfast, write in your journal or blog, take a morning walk)

JOURNALING, MEDITATION

FIGURE OUT WHAT TYPE YOUR ARE: Type A (people who rush frantically through life)

                                                         Negative self talker (the enemy inside your head)

                                                         Pessimist (sees everything worse than it really is)

Just Another Day

Not much different day than yesterday,still feel not wanted, loved or that I am not good enough for anything or anyone(even though I don't have anything to really justify those feelings they continue to be there).
Life in general is not that good (although my wife tells me it is, the sun is shining, and we're all well), still taking all the pills which I hate taking as I think that over a long time they do more harm than good, but one has to have something for the depression.
Sometimes you have to wonder if the Dr's get a rebate on the pills they put out.
My blog is short today, not much to write about(well there probably is but not in the mood for it today), just wanted to get some frustration out.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

Yesterday, It Came, It Went

My day yesterday,sucked badly (and although I know where it stemmed from, you still can't seem to stop it from coming).
 It was one of the days where your mind is somewhere else than your body (I can definitely relate to people who say they have an "out of body" experience!) .

My depression was bad, my knees were sore and I had a hard job to stay awake.

I usually take a "ME" day when feeling that way, but it was also a day where I actually had things to do. In looking back now that was probably a good thing, otherwise my bad day feeling might would have carried over into the next day.

Did You Know

A few more tidbits of information to help you or your support team.

It's not known exactly what causes depression. As with many mental illnesses, it appears a variety of factors may be involved. These include:

• Biological differences. People with depression appear to have physical changes in their brains. The significance of these changes is still uncertain but may eventually help pinpoint causes.
• Neurotransmitters. These naturally occurring brain chemicals linked to mood are thought to play a direct role in depression.
• Hormones. Changes in the body's balance of hormones may be involved in causing or triggering depression. Hormone changes can result from thyroid problems, menopause and a number of other conditions.
• Inherited traits. Depression is more common in people whose biological family members also have the condition. Researchers are trying to find genes that may be involved in causing depression.
• Life events. Events such as the death or loss of a loved one, financial problems and high stress can trigger depression in some people.
• Early childhood trauma. Traumatic events during childhood, such as abuse or loss of a parent, may cause permanent changes in the brain that make you more susceptible to depression.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=coping-and-support

My Signs

Now for MY mental and physical signs of stress!

Memory loss (alone it would probably just be a sign of getting old), the inability to concentrate, moodiness (as I am sure my other half can attest to!), and irritability. These are just some of what I deal with day to day.

On the Physical and Behavioral Indications the ones I have had to deal with are Headache, Insomnia, Loss of sex drive, Weight gain or loss , Starting fights(not that I like to admit that I do that!).

These are just  a few of what I deal struggle with everyday, some days more than others. The worst part is when they come on all at once!

Thought for the Day

“Anger is the most impotent of passions.
It effects nothing it goes about,
and hurts the one who is possessed by it
more than the one against whom it is directed.”

~ Carl Sandburg
(1878-1967)

Indicators

STRESS can be harmful. When a person has too much stress in his or her life, health problems such as high blood pressure, heart attack, and even stroke are common. Here is a list of some indications of stress:

Twenty Indicators of Stress

By Julia Sorensen

Mental:
1. Problems with memory 
2. Inability to concentrate
3. Poor judgment
4. Racing thoughts
5. Moodiness
6. Agitation
7. Irritability
8. Sense of isolation/loneliness
9. Constant worrying
10. Viewing everything as negative
11. Restlessness
12. Quick temper
13. Sense of being overwhelmed
14. General unhappiness
15. Loss of objectivity
16. Always being fearful
17. Anxiousness
18. Indecisiveness
19. Inability to relax
20. Feeling on edge

Physical and Behavioral Indications:
1. Headache
2. Muscle tension
3. Nausea
4. Insomnia
5. Acne breakout
6. Diarrhea or constipation
7. Loss of sex drive
8. Frequently being sick
9. Dizziness
10. Weight gain or loss
11. Change in appetite
12. Procrastination and neglect
13. Alcohol, tobacco, or drug use
14. Nail biting or pacing
15. Excessive spending
16. Tooth grinding
17. Excessive exercise
18. Overreactions
19. Sleeping too much or too little
20. Staring fights

Remember that each of these twenty indicators of stress could be caused by any number of things. This might include the death of a spouse or divorce, a family member going to prison, being fired from a job, going through retirement or starting a new career, empty nest syndrome, and so on. Once you can narrow down the reasons for the depression, you can then begin to make change.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1238500

Negativity

My wife asked me why my posts always seem negative. At first I did not know what to say as she was right.

Then I said I do not have much positive things to talk about. I have my health (so to speak) and other things (family), but are they happy things?

They should be, but to someone like me I have the tendency (as do most who suffer with "D") to only think about only the things I did wrong and the things I have not or cannot do, instead of thinking about the things I have done or that I have.

This is the most difficult part of being depressed, trying to retrain your brain to do the opposite of what it has the tendency to do and as of yet I have not reached that pinnacle (yet).

Still Venting

Has anyone ever heard of depression biting you in the ass.That is what I feel like alot of times.
Most times you feel alone,useless, not doing your part of the work, not working, loneiness, all this plus the fatigue is what I hate, it sucks everything out of you.

Plus I wish I would hear back from the neurology dept to see why I fall, getting tired of getting up off the hard, cold floors.You would think when you are in your 6's it would be the time of your life.

Not sure if they really understand depression, but they know I am not normal,,,,lol
anyway just wanted to vent a bit this morning.

March Takes A Toll

Depression has no time frame.  Yet, it seems that in the month of March it takes a higher toll on people with depression (well ME anyway).

The more you fight it, the worse it gets,,,you take one step forward and 2 steps back. (not sure if it is the transition from winter to spring and knowing that I cannot use Winter as an excuse for staying in the house anymore....hmmm)

Then to add the topping to that, you get the flue which further sucks the best out of you, where you REALLY hate to get out of bed. My wife tells me I look like sh*t (with a smile on her face ☺ ), (she is the only one who can get away with that as she knows and understands (as best she can) what I go through ♥).